9INCHNAIL

Dont know if this will kick off or not, but i get quite a few text jokes as im sure a lot on here do. Seeing as i cant forward them to you i will post a few now and then.im not racist/sexist or anything else ist BUT i will post some from time to time so please dont take offence......

I will start with one i got today which is pretty meek and mild but wasnt bad for 545am from a work buddy....

Doctor to patient -
" I am very confused about your Orange Penis sir, tell me do you have any conditions in your family that could cause this?"

Patient - "Nope, everyone is fine no strange conditions or illnesses"
Doc- " Possibly something work related, What do you do for a living?"
P - " I dont work"
Doc " Oh, i see. Then what do you do all day?"
P- " I mostly just sit around, watch porn and eat wotsits"


Q .What do you call a black guy that loses 30 stone?

A. Lenny Henry



Q.What have the bible and a penis got in common?
A.They both get rammed down your throat by Catholic priests.


I applied for planning permission to build a new house.It was going to be 100FT tall and 400Ft wide with 9 turrets,windows all over the place and an outside PA system.It was going to have 200 parking spaces and i was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The council told me to fuck off,so i sent in the application again only this time i called it a mosque....Work starts Monday.

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Skuh

Go on then, seeing at is you, I shall risk the wrath of the mods by replying in your (don't get offended) thread.....



hehe
cruel
funny, but cruel.



Wasn't me, I never came in this thread.

OzballO

I'm Catholic...dick

9INCHNAIL

So am i.

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OzballO

I wasn't angry just trying to make people feel bad, lol. Got Skuh to for a bit, hehe.

9INCHNAIL

I hear you.

SKUh is sensitive like that lol

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OzballO

Poor guy sometimes I feel sorry for himm, oh wait thats a lie.

Skuh

OY!!! Im not sensitive. Stop saying nasty things about me.

MoleMania

har har har that sure is funneh

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I Appreciate the Otter

Vasq

Lol. Catholocism for teh winz!
Here is a funny one my frined sent me, or did I delete it....? Yup.

Skuh

^^you made me snigger though^^

9INCHNAIL

im waiting for some kind of Polish president plane crash jokes... but phone is silent......

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Skuh

Yes, just noticed I haven't been sent any. What about wifey?

UKz JoKeR

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"



Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.

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Skuh

^^^These are both really really bad^^^

and yet I kind of like them both.

iMac Girl

Sarah Palin and John McCain decided to fly their campaign jet to the next big rally. They were on final approach when a warning bell went off:

John: Crap Sarah we just lost an engine, give me 1/4 flaps.
Sarah: Aye Aye Captn.

Another warning bell:

John: Holy shit Sarah we just lost another engine, give me 1/2 flaps.
Sarah: Aye Aye Captn, I can see the runway.

Another warning bell:

John: God Damn it we just lost the third engine, give me 3/4 flaps.
Sarah: Aye Aye Captn, this is going to be rough.

Another warning bell:

John: Jesus Christ we just lost the last engine, give me full flaps and hang on this is going to be rough.

Sarah: I'm on it John.

They touched down the brakes screeched and screamed as they both hammered the brakes.

John: Give me full reverse thrust Sarah and pray to the almighty.
Sarah: Hang on sir we're coming to a stop.

John: Whew that was close, nice flying Sarah.
Sarah: Thanks John, that has to be the shortest runway in the world... But fuck, look at how wide it is!

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Vasq

Found it! One of those chain messages.
Sh*t may just be the most functional english word. You can get sh*t faced, be sh*t out of luck, or even have sh*t for brains. With a little effort you can get your sh*t together or find a place for your sh*t or be asked to sh*t or get off the pot. You cansmoke sh*t, buy sh*t, sell sh*t, lose sh*t, find sh*t forget sh*t and tell others to eat sh*t there are lucky sh*ts, and crazy sh*ts. There is bull sh*t, horse sh*t and chicken sh*t. You can throw sh*t, sling sh*t catch sh*t, shoot the sh*t or duck when sh*t hits the fan, you can find yousekf in deep sh*t, be happier than a pig in sh*t. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the esnglish language.



Oh God, ehy odes my head hurt?

Alphabuster187

I received this one last week:

What do you call a hillbilly that owns sheep and goats??



Last Halloween:

A black baby is given wings by god, and the baby, touched, asks god, "does this mean I'm an angel?", god responds, "naw, _____ you a bat!"

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Prestige: 10 / Rank: 70 / Kills: 97,285 / KDR: 2.68

9INCHNAIL

Hehe

Good ones, im liking it.

A passenger in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder, the taxi driver shits himself , swerving across the road just missing a bus loaded with people by inches and ends up almost in a shopfront window.

"Fck me youre a bit jumpy aint you mate" says the passenger " i only tapped you on the shoulder!"

"sorry" says driver -
"its my 1st day as a cabbie, ive been driving a hearse for the last 20 years"

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Alphabuster187

^^^ heard that one before, but good.

You may have to think about this one... it cracks me up.


A man walks into a bar with a chicken on his head, he walks up to the Bartender and the chicken says, "Hey, can you get this guy off my feet?"

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Prestige: 10 / Rank: 70 / Kills: 97,285 / KDR: 2.68

9INCHNAIL

Looks like Lenny Henry has been getting a good nights sleep at the permier inn.
Well, he certainly hasnt been getting "up the crack of Dawn" anyway.....

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9INCHNAIL

Got one for SKUH ...


The cloud of dust that was responsible for closing most of Europes airports today has been traced back to Manchester.

The cleaner at Man City was asked to give their trophy cabinet a wipe over.

I know you dont support em but hey its your town.

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Skuh

As I was reading this someone was reading it to me from there phone.

Needless to say it's gone round our office like wildfire

9INCHNAIL

2 Blokes walking down the street together-

Bloke 1 says to 2 "You are a cunt.Youve always been a cunt,and you always will be a cunt.Everything about you makes you a cunt,an utter and complete cunt.In fact, if you entered a cunt competition you would come 2nd."

bloke 2 deeply wounded by this outburst replies - "Why wouldnt i come 1st then?"

Bloke 1 - "BECAUSE YOURE A CUNT" !!

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Skuh

3 Jokes for you kiddies:-

First two are probably just for the Brits/Europeans but who knows:-

What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?



Just been outside and was hit on the head by a prawn ring, a black forest gateaux and some garlic bread.


Iv'e been asked to do a charity run next weekend.
At first i refused until they said it was for handicapped and blind kids.