Jokes

[Flyt]

Good one Oz

So one time there

Spoiler:

FUCK YOU!

[Magnatross]

Originally Posted by pantstofry

0/10

does one of them not have any sense of pain btw? why does only one say ouch....

meh, this one's not funny but i felt obligated to post one...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Must I explain everything?

In mathematics, a structure on a set, or more generally a type, consists of additional mathematical objects that in some manner attach (or are related) to the set, making it easier to visualize or work with, or endowing the collection with meaning or significance.

A partial list of possible structures are measures, algebraic structures (groups, fields, etc.), topologies, metric structures (geometries), orders, equivalence relations, differential structures, and categories.

Sometimes, a set is endowed with more than one structure simultaneously; this enables mathematicians to study it more richly. For example, an order induces a topology. As another example, if a set both has a topology and is a group, and the two structures are related in a certain way, the set becomes a topological group.

Mappings between sets which preserve structures (so that structures in the domain are mapped to equivalent structures in the codomain) are of special interest in many fields of mathematics. Examples are homomorphisms, which preserve algebraic structures; homeomorphisms, which preserve topological structures; and diffeomorphisms, which preserve differential structures.

N. Bourbaki (a group of French mathematicians) suggested an explication of the concept "mathematical structure" in their book "Theory of Sets" (Chapter 4. Structures) and then defined on that base, in particular, a very general concept of isomorphism.

do you wikipedia "mathematical structure" for fun? GTFO

[Magnatross]

Read your bible, I wrote it!

Go to bed.

[Magnatross]

It's not 5 a.m. yet.....

Skipped sleep last night, so I might sleep as early as 3 a.m.

omfg ur badass.

back to jokes plz

[Platy]

Why does Magnatroll have to take every single thread offtopic? Fucking twat.

That wasn't a joke btw, just an observation.

As for a joke...

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

Spoiler:

A baboom!

Originally Posted by PlatypusFeatures

Why does Magnatroll have to take every single thread offtopic? Fucking twat.

I agree, what the hell was the point of posting wikipedia pages on here?

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.

'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.

'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.

[GhostHands]

3 guys are in a cafe
one says: ive got the smallest arm of the world!
another says: ive got the smallest head of the world!
last one says: ive got the smallest dick of the world!
the 3 guys go to Guinness World Records.
first one goes first and returns happy: ive really got the smallest arm in the world!
second returns happy too: ive really got the smallest head of the world!
last one returns angry and screams: WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER?!

[GhostHands]

Got some jokes for ya via Reddit.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
----------
So two condoms walk into a gay bar, look at each other and say "let's get shit-faced!"
----------
Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when suddenly a guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady couldn't reach.
----------
Guy says to his friend "I had the worst Freudian slip today. I mean to ask the girl at the deli for a tart, but I asked her for a tit instead." His friend responds "I know exactly how you feel. The other day I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead I said "You horrible bitch, you ruined my life!".
----------
A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all you sexual needs.'' ''Whatcha mean, my sexual needs?'' ''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, anytime you want except for Wednesdays.'' ''What happens on Wednesdays?'' ''Then it's your turn in the barrel.''

[Jomick]

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

[pantstofry]

Originally Posted by GhostHands

Guy says to his friend "I had the worst Freudian slip today. I mean to ask the girl at the deli for a tart, but I asked her for a tit instead." His friend responds "I know exactly how you feel. The other day I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead I said "You horrible bitch, you ruined my life!".

LMAO

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Jomick]

That was a long joke, but I admit I laughed when I reached the end of it. Spoilers as to not have a huge post:

Spoiler:

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Spoiler:

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

Spoiler:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Spoiler:

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Spoiler:

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[OzballO]

I had just gotten done telling an Ethiopian joke. I was told I should walk a mile in their shoes b4 I make fun of them. I promptly said another joke.

Spoiler:

Get it?

Spoiler:

Ethiopians don't have shoes

Spoiler:

wow you are dumb

Spoiler:

Stop Clicking the spoilers

Spoiler:

like seriously stop

Spoiler:

it's not funny if I have to tell you the punchline

Spoiler:

this is getting old

Spoiler:

die

[Jomick]

Don't really want to die, Oz. Thanks.

[pantstofry]

When did he ever say you had to die?

ok yeah i admit i read the spoilers lulllllllllllll they're fun to click on.

hey wanna hear a funny joke

Spoiler:

the university of michigan

Spoiler:

okay i guess it's not that funny unless you go here

Spoiler:

spoiler

[Fr0stByte]

Spoiler:

Son: Dad Im going out for a bit....be back later.
Dad: With who?
Son: Just a girl...
Dad: Oh right....dont forget to wear a....you know....
Son: Condom?
Dad: No....a hat you ginger c*nt

[OzballO]

If an older woman likes younger boys that makes her a cougar. So if an older man likes younger boys does that make him a Nittany Lion?

[Fr0stByte]

can we set some ground rules for the jokes, cos i dont want to offend anyone

[pantstofry]

One TIME I OF A MERMAID

and it was hawt

haha

tik tok on the clock cuz kesha's a WHORE

:cana bis:

[Cloud]

Pants what the hell?

Man goes into doctor's

Man: I've hurt my dick in a surfing accident
Doctor: Oh dear did you fall off your board?
Man: No I closed my laptop too quickly

I was standing in the park today wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets... and then it hit me...

[pantstofry]

If you extend your middle finger it's like a big fuck you to whomever you are currently conversing with. Only the communists deserve such treatment.

How do you know when it's bedtime at Jerry Sandusky's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.

/notsosubtle trollface

[Fr0stByte]

Man and woman in bed...'just finished up'

Man: Babe would you mind giving me a chilean miner?
Woman: Is that when I climb down your shaft and stay there until christmas?
Man:...No...its when you fuck off down a hole for 3 months