Jokes

[blub212212]

Tell a joke.
rate the one above you on a 1-10 scale.

umm....no racism jokes please. =P unless mods say its ok.

2 statues (guy and girl) are brought to life by an angel. the angel tells them they have 30 minutes to do whatever they want.They both then go into the bushes and the angel listened as he heard twigs snapping and them both giggling. They came out 15 minutes later, and the angel asked, "You have fifteen more minutes. Would you like to continue?" The guy looked at the girl and said, "OK. But this time you hold down the pigeon and I crap on its head!

i think i would've laughed harder if i got hit in the face with a brick. (jk) but it wasn't that good. I'm no good at making jokes, but i love pulling my friends in and telling them a long joke that has no point and isn't funny. Example:

okay, theres a dentist, an orthodontist, and a surgeon. The dentist works on his patient, and does perfectly. The ortho does the same. The surgeon does the same. Then they all go out to lunch together. The ortho asks the dentist, so how's your day been. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE SURGEON EXPLODES and the other two laugh.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

[HBK]

Yes.........

The ABC of ex-girlfriends.

Spoiler:

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

So there's this cat and a dog and

Spoiler:

Your mother's a whore

My Friend's joke I mean no offense at all I don't even know her...

Originally Posted by HBK

Yes.........

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

When the river runs red
take the dirt track

[HBK]

Originally Posted by Skuh

When the river runs red
take the dirt track

And we have a winner.

Before I got dumped my GF told me I was her Undisputed Rally champion.

Originally Posted by HBK

And we have a winner.

Before I got dumped my GF told me I was her Undisputed Rally champion.

love it.

[Flyt]

Ugh....gross

[OzCueball]

*young girl goes up to mom and asks
"Mommy is it true that babies come out of where boys put their penis'?"

*mother replies
"Why yes hunny, that is true."

*girl reponds
"But wouldn't that brake your jaw?"

[Platy]

6/10

A squirrel walks up to a tree and goes "I forgot to store any nuts for the winter and now I am dead." The end.

If no-one gets where that's from they have syphilis.

[OzCueball]

Originally Posted by PlatypusFeatures

6/10

A squirrel walks up to a tree and goes "I forgot to store any nuts for the winter and now I am dead." The end.

If no-one gets where that's from they have syphilis.

10/10 for quoting a dog! "I have just met you, and i love you!!!"

But i can't think of one right now that isn't racist.

[Magnatross]

2 Blondes walk into a bar and one says "ouch"

Originally Posted by Magnatross

2 Blondes walk into a bar and one says "ouch"

0/10

does one of them not have any sense of pain btw? why does only one say ouch....

meh, this one's not funny but i felt obligated to post one...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[MoleMania]

Oh lawd that's epic!

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[GhostHands]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.

Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

And pants you get 9/10 I've heard that one before, so no 10/10 for you.

```````````````````````````````````

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[OzCueball]

8/10 for the first cause i've heard it.
10/10 for the second cause it's bloody brilliant!

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

There were 3 pirates on a ship.

The first one turns to the others and says, well guys its time for me to

Spoiler:

pwnd mothafucka

So a baby seal walked into a club.

Spoiler:

OzballO and OzCueball were chatting it up one day on the patio when all of a sudden

Spoiler:

it began to rain so they carried their conversation indoors.

Originally Posted by pantstofry

OzballO and OzCueball were chatting it up one day on the patio when all of a sudden

Spoiler:

it began to rain so they carried their conversation indoors.

I smiled.

¿¡Pero no te reiste?!

[Platy]

Modern Warfare 2

lollolololololololol

OzballO

Originally Posted by pantstofry

OzballO